Past, Present, Future (It’s All Kind of Hard)

Looking Back

I was reflecting on the last few months as I was driving home from a photo shoot recently. And I was thinking about “the past” – both the very recent as well as a few years ago, and then even a bit farther back. I have this very distinct memory of visiting one of my history professors when I was in university during his office hours. His study was exactly what you’re picturing: a dark, dusty, room packed with books and musty smelling oak furniture.

I can’t remember if this was my conclusion after talking with him, or if it was something he said to me but it can be summed up as this, “We can’t understand the present if we don’t understand the past. History is always looming over the present.”

In other words, I was reminiscing and doing the classic thing that we do when we hit a cross roads or a transition in our lives.

(Hi, it’s me.)

There’s a lot of things I want out of this shift.

Workwise – I want to develop deeper relationships with our clients and provide a more tailored solutions to their branding challenges.

Lifewise – I want to actually have one. It’s really hard to write or even talk about what it’s like to never be able to turn off.

And then… It’s all fine and wonderful to think about what I really want as a business owner, but the reality is we’re in transition.

I’m in a constant muddle of thinking through the past – and wanting it to shape the choices I make going forward.

The Messy Present

Which brings me to the part no one likes to talk about (because it’s really hard).

Right now I’m facing my “demons” as a business owner head on. I’m struggling with executive dysfunction. I miss my team. I’m fearful of the change that’s ahead as I have to rework our processes and systems.

We haven’t arrived. We have to be in the in between of what worked in the past and what I can already tell is definitely not going to work in the future.

Every day/hour I feel this mixture of hope for what’s to come but I’m also exhausted and grieving what we’ve left behind.

Anyone running a business knows this feeling. Whether it’s a transition big or small, it’s painful to try and then have things not work out.

And because I have big plans for the future (and the fact that my business is my livelihood) there isn’t a lot of space for sitting down and working through these feelings or thoughts.

Would I even be able to do that if there was time?

I’ve always thrived on building and growth and ideas. The idea of stopping is scary.

I think in some ways writing this series about our Big Transition™️ is cathartic. And in other ways, I want it to be a bit of a life line for anyone else who started a business with no business background, a shaky relationship with their finances, and a level of stubbornness that is both problematic and essential.

Right now, the truth is: I’m only a couple weeks into running a business that looks completely different than it did just months ago. And it kind of sucks.

In this VERY short period of time that I’m very much in the middle of – I think I’ve realized something important.

The past is where I can catch hold of my patterns and mistakes which is a good thing. It’s an opportunity.

We all have to come to terms with the concept of “don’t make the same mistake twice” at some point – and when you’re stubborn, tired, anxious, afraid – it’s easy to fall back into old patterns,

I can see it in myself already, and I’m slowly learning to resist. A teeny tiny little piece of hope.

Holding on to Something True

I don’t have any marketing/branding takeaways to share here. Just a reality check that change is hard.

I thought making the decision to transition my business was the hardest part but it’s not. It’s living in the in-between as we work to support our clients well, build for the future, and grieve the past all at the same time.

The value here isn’t strategy or advice. It’s solidarity. A reminder that you’re not broken if change feels harder than the decision to change.

If you’re in your own transition, maybe it’s okay if it doesn’t feel exciting yet. Grief and hope can sit side by side.

I’m also relying heavily on the trust that I’ve slowly built in myself over 7 years of running a business. I’ve done hard things before and I can do them again. But this time, hopefully with an understanding of the new patterns that I want to build and the old ones I want to avoid.

And if I can do it, you can, too.